Shallowness

I don’t remember how many times I want a thing but don’t go for it because it does not goes in line with the life I have planned for myself. There are always rights and wrongs in my life and I bind myself around these rights and wrongs. I never allow myself to let go even for once. Why can’t I free myself and live in a moment and do what I want to do in that particular moment without thinking about the future ahead, without thinking about my preferences or plans or big picture in life.
But, then I look around and see everyone is doing the same. It gives me some explanations to confuse my mind and go as per the plans. Still the justice is not being done to a valid question. What if my plans are wrong and are not best for me. What if everyone around me is wrong and is confused like me. What if drenching in rain is a better idea of fun. What if kicking my boss’s butt brings me more satisfaction than one year’s work I do. What if running away from job brings me more peace of mind. What if she thinks about me the same way I think about her? What if my hands can turn into wings and I actually can fly.
With all these questions I don’t mean that we should not chase our dreams, we should not plan, and we should not follow the tried, tested and safer path. All I wonder is with all these plans and safer paths whether we forgot the real motive behind all these plans. We forgot that all we want is happiness, calmness and love for ourselves and our families. And, in the process of achieving all these we achieve everything but these basic things. Ego replaces happiness, winning replaces calmness and suddenly we don’t have time for love. But, do I need it. Why the journey has to be so serious, painful and lonely. Isn’t it defeating the whole purpose and I think whether I will be happy and calm when I achieve those big goals and whether I will get back those moments of love that I lost in between. I definitely don’t have answers of all these questions. And this confusion creates a void in my mind, a deep shallowness which inspires me to break free and run from my surroundings. But, then second thoughts rule my mind and I understand that running won’t answer these questions.
Then what is the solution. Someone will say its balance. You need to strike the right balance and achieve everything in life. But, practically speaking I never got this magic wand of balance. For me this race of life is like Mumbai Local trains. Once you are near the door, you have to get in the train. There are no options, people will force you and make you run like them. And, I don’t have the power to change this world. Leave alone this world, I fear changing my own track. Everything I own will be gone once I leave this race. I have responsibilities and I don’t live only for myself. You have to earn to run life and this is a hard reality whether you like it or not.
So, the shallowness of solitude prevails and you lead your life wondering about all these confusions. Carrot wins with the help of confusion and keeps you running whether you want it or not. But my mind still wonders whether it’s the right track, what will happen to the real things I want to achieve, what if the living in a moment is the right thing to do in life?